Dear Zach

Dear Zach,

         As I sit here tonight, I'm struggling to find the words to get out exactly how I feel. I can't grasp that you're gone. The thought that I will never see you again, not while I'm alive anyway, just isn't one that I can understand. The tears have stopped now, my mind has gone numb, trying to find answers to questions that can never be found. Trying to make sense of a situation such as this.

        I saw you last night, playing volleyball, laughing, talking about a book you let me borrow, and when I left, I forgot to hug you and tell you that I loved you, like I always do. This time though, I didn't want to interrupt your game, so I just left. That will always bother me. I know this isn't my fault, and there probably isn't anything I could have done, but the thought that maybe I could have said something, maybe I could have done something, anything, to make you reconsider, is almost too much to bear.

      I hate to think of what kind of place you must have been in, how tortured you had to have been, for something like this to seem like your only way out. I will always remember you as the sweet, happy guy that shared laughs with me, broke down doors for me, moved me into my new apartment, and always had something to say to brighten my day. I will forever be grateful for the friendship we shared, and for the time I had to get to know you, I can only hope that my friendship impacted you in at least some small way. I just wish I had more time with you.

     Some people are mad at you. Some people think that you've been selfish, that you didn't think about the repercussions of your actions. Or about how many people would be effected. I suppose that may be true. But I think you did. I think you did know about all of those things, I think you thought long and hard about it, and that it tore you up inside. It may be easier for people to be mad at you, it may be easier to just think that you were selfish, and to not think of how miserable you must have been, and about how we didn't see it. I wish I could think like that, but I can't. I can't be mad at you, because I know how caring and selfless you were. I know that none of this could have been easy for you, and that you always considered others in your choices. I know how deeply you felt, and how it was both a blessing and a curse for you. I just wish I could have done something to make life here easier for you.

    I hope one day that I can see you again, hold you in my arms and tell you how much I care, we all care, how much we've missed you. But until then, we'll carry the scars of missing you with us each day, and we'll slowly work our way back to a sense of normalcy, one that's a little less bright without you here, and we'll cling to our memories, careful not to let them slip away. While we share stories of who you were, and remind everyone who knew you of all of the good you did for us. This will not define you. You will not just be another statistic. You're so much more than that. You are our friend, our family. We will always love, and miss you.